02.10.2000

Dear Beth,

Why do girls suck so much. I am a well chiseled hunk of man and girls tend not to even look at me. I read Cosmo and try to be all that a lady could possibly want. I go to bookstores and drink coffee while reading, I go to grocery stores and ask girls for advice, yesterday I went to the park and fed the ducks while trying to look cute. I seem to be striking out before I even make it to the plate. Could you give me some girl picking up tips?

Alone in Alaska

Dear Alone,

I think you're scaring them off. What kind of advice do you ask for when you're in grocery stores? Do the girls you ask for advice see you buying Cosmo? If so, they probably think you have a girlfriend already. I don't know how well the duck feeding thing would work with anyone. People don't like to approach strangers alone. You could be a cute killer who'll drown them in the duck pond.

I think you should start going out with your friends more. Have fun. Go to parties. If you don't get invited to parties, throw a party. Have an open house. Tell people you know to tell people they know about it. A party might not result in a relationship, but it will get you meeting people.

Or maybe while you're at the bookstore some time, you could find a girl who's similarly alone and ask her if she knows anything about a book you want to buy.

I don't know, Alone. I don't know why girls suck. I'm sorry. I'm a girl and I suck, so how do you expect me to help you?


Write to beth@dorkist.com with your shameful secrets and anything else that's been tearing your pretty little head apart.