11.01.1999

(beth note: I was going to cut this letter down, because it's just so long, and I know that you, intelligent reader, would get the point much more quickly than it took the writer of the letter to relate it. But I decided not to trim it. This letter is wild, and maybe by printing the whole thing, my response will be better understood. But really, I'm mostly printing it in entirety for your entertainment.)

Dear Beth,

I have this roommate, who's very cool, very nice, a great guy, and supremely easy to get along with. He's really like the best roommate you could hope for ... except one thing. We'll get to that in a sec. First let me say, I brought just about everything to the scene: the TV, VCR, Stereo, Computer, lamp, phone, iron, can opener ... basically everything we share is mine (save the microwave and fridge. That's fine ... I don't mind that at all.

I like my stuff and like using it - and it's never a conflict - if one of us needs the computer, the other one yields without a hesitation. When one of the remote's ran out of batteries, he even replaced them ... how thoughtful! It's great ... just one thing: He plays really bad music on my CD player. I mean really bad! Like we're talking Alabama, the Dixie Chicks, Tupac, bad songs from the Rocky soundtrack ... and then he says things like "How can you not love the song: "The Cheap Seats"?!?! It's the best song in the world. (Mind you, the refrain is: "We like out beer flat as can be, we like our hot dogs with mustard and RELISH! ... And there's nothing like the view from the cheap seats!" Basically, it's a ridiculously bad song about a baseball game. I feel bad for my CD player ... it doesn't deserve to be mistreated like that.

That was the big problem ... other little things that I don't mind as much deal with him leaving the cd player on all the time, leaving his horrible music in the CD player (meaning I have to touch his horrible CDs and take them out), leaving the remote either on his bed somewhere or on his desk, and knocking down the 2 mini-flags that are stuck between the speakers and the CD player. But really, these things don't really matter ... it's just so depressing to hear such horrible sounds coming from my cd player. It's hard for me to really express this without sounding silly ... Lemme try an anology.

Say, for example, that you are a photographer. You majoring in photography, and you recently saved up like $400 for a brand new Leica with all the great professional features. You take all these wonderful artsy photos ... black and white and self processed - everything's great. Then one day you tell your friend that he can use it, and he takes it to a frat party and takes pictures of all of his friends drunk off their asses, showing their hairy asses, and being assholes. You feel like your precious creative medium has been abused in a way. Even though he was taking good care of it, used it properly, and made sure it was returned in the same condition, you still feel betrayed, angry, genuinely annoyed. And then he shows you all his drunk pictures in excitement and you have to pretend you think they're funny (just like you have to pretend you really don't want to strangle him for listening to Tal Bachman or the Cheap Seats for the 100th time). Does that make my gripe any less ridiculous? Anyway ... I know I've been over-verbose, but do you have any suggestions on how I can save my CD player without causing any unnescessary tension? Thanks.

-Suffering with a scarred stereo

Dear Suffering,

The thing I find most odd about your letter is that you're showing concern for your stereo, for an object, rather than for yourself. Is this related to the way you pretended stuffed animals were real when you were a child? The stereo is a thing. It is not getting hurt by foreign CDs.

But I can kind of relate. When I surrendered Snowy, my 1986 Pontiac 6000, to my younger brother, and my brother started putting stickers for emo bands on Snowy's bumper, I felt sad for Snowy. My car had been violated, and he(/it) wasn't happy. I could tell. But then I got over it. Snowy is a car. He is ultimately a thing. So, like I said, is your stereo.

I can't believe that your sensitivity for an object's feelings is really your problem. If it is, you need to grow up. And you're in college now, so it's a good time to do it. If the music were playing on a CD player your roommate had brought himself, would it make you feel better? Actually, I think it would make you feel better, which is kind of sick. I think you need to disassociate yourself from the stereo. See it as part of the room, not as part of you. Even if the CD player wasn't yours, your roommate would still comment on how great the song "Cheap Seats" is; he would still listen to Tal Bachman, who or whatever that is.

You can't refuse to let your roommate listen to his music. It would cause unnecessary strife in your living arrangement. I think you know this, though. If you're studying and he's got his favorite songs on repeat, ask him to wear earphones so you can concentrate. Or listen to your own stuff on a walkman. Or suggest that he ask for a CD walkman for Christmas (in a roundabout way, of course). If this problem is really bothering you, you could try to work something out where you each get to listen to your own music half the time. Good luck. And chill out, dude - I suspect your freshmen year of college is going way better than most people's.


Write to beth@dorkist.com with your shameful secrets and anything else that's been tearing your pretty little head apart.