10.13.1999

Dear Beth,

I'm a freshman in college and am still sorting through all the grotesque fraternity boys and ignorant southern guys here at my school. Almost no one seems dateable here in the bible belt. But last week, I met someone intriguing. 'Oregon' was sitting alone, reading philosphy at the cafeteria at dinner. Plus he was Asian. So I decided to introduce myself etc, etc.- The next week he asks me to be his date for homecoming. We had a great time, probably due to the fact that we didn't go to the football game at all and basically sat in my room and talked and made out, then sat in his room and talked and made out. But something seemed a little off... I couldn't put my finger on it.

The next night Oregon (that's where he's from) went out with me and some friends. He made a couple really wierd comments about glitter makeup, Michael Jackson, wrinkless clothes, and my two guy friends hooking up- "just for laughs." So anyways, I ask my other friend what he thinks is up with Oregon. My friend responds "I wasn't going to tell you this, but I think your boy is gay." And it totally clicked. Oregon is gay. He's gay. His being gay is not my problem, my problem is that now I feel very used. He's definitely using me as his "no, I'm not gay" girl cover-up. It's very upsetting to me. Especially since he's really good looking and intelligent and open minded and gentle.

Yesterday I subtly brought up how I belong to the gay and lesbian rights club here at school. He immediately said, "Really? maybe I should go. But I bet I'd get beaten up." Hmmmm. Then we got more into the conversation and I finally said "I could see you being gay." He was like "Hey! How come? Am I really that effeminate?" and I was like "No way, you don't have to be feminine or flamboyant to be gay... ." And we kinda dropped the subject until later (after he talked awhile about why he'd like to be a ballerina), when he blurted out, "I used to think I was gay. But just for a day. I tried to imagine myself with a naked guy and it just didn't appeal to me at all."

What should I make of all this? Should I try to help him embrace his gayness? Or can I just play the fool and keep hooking up with him, with the happy realization I will never have to be serious with him? Remember, he's half Asian, I really can't help myself...

-lusting a gay boy

p.s.- Don't you feel sad for me that the one intelligent, cultured guy I meet at this school is gay?

Dear Lusting,

The details in your letter suggest that Oregon indeed might be gay: he wants to be a ballerina, he makes comments about glitter and about guys hooking up "just for laughs" (as though he's trying to convince himself that if he hooked up with a guy, it would be just for laughs and would not threaten his heterosexuality), etc. But it sounds like he doesn't want to admit being gay to himself yet. I don't think he's using you as his "I'm not gay girl cover-up"; rather, he's trying to convince himself he's heterosexual, partially through a physical relationship with a female, you.

I think it's good that you tried to get him to open up to you (saying "I could see you being gay" is an amusingly blunt way of doing it, but I like how you dropped that you were a member of the gay/lesbian rights club). If you and Oregon remain friends, he'll probably feel comfortable coming out to you when he's ready to come out.

If you keep hooking up with him, will it delay him in dealing with his feelings? I don't know. It seems like you're only prolonging his attempt to define himself as heterosexual, but then, maybe by being with you, he'll realize that girls aren't for him. That might not be too fun for you, but then, you always knew he was gay, so it wouldn't be that much of a dent to your ego.

If it feels weird making out with him, though, maybe you could mention that something seems off. But I don't think he should be pressured into figuring himself out so soon. (I'm wondering what kind of parents he has, and if now that he's away from them, he's starting to let himself express thoughts he wouldn't have said out loud at home.) Ultimately, though it might take awhile, he'll have to come to terms with who he is. If you act as a good, caring friend to him, hopefully you'll be able to help him accept himself. Really, that's why I don't think you should keep making out with him. I don't think you should confuse your roles. For his sake, you'd do better being his friend than his girlfriend.

As for you, though, yeah, I do feel bad for you that everyone's a frat boy or a scary southerner. But Oregon sounds cool, so there's no need to stop hanging out with him. And I want to say, Hey, if he's gay, and you want him, and you're in the mood for some no-strings-attached fun, go for it. But I'd be way more likely to say Go for it if Oregon knew he was gay and was comfortable with himself and just felt like making out with a girl for awhile.

You know this guy can't be the ONLY intriguing, hot, cultured person around. Go to a coffeehouse near your campus or something, there will probably be more guys reading philosophy alone there. They might not be half-Asian, but you never know.


Write to beth@dorkist.com with your shameful secrets and anything else that's been tearing your pretty little head apart.