8.11.1999

Dear Beth,

I am in quite a pickle with my best friend and exercise partner Bernadette. A few weeks ago, she gave me for my birthday a book from the "Eat Right 4 Your Type" series of books. Unfortunately she bought me the book that deals with eating right to achieve your ideal weight when actually what I wanted was to achieve my ideal blood sugar. I did my best to seem happy that I had recieved the book although I was slightly offended by the suggestion that I was not already at my natural weight. While I could stand to lose a few pounds (couldn't we all) I thought it was rude of her to suggest through her gift that I was fat or that I thought I was fat when I had said nothing to her to suggest that this was how I felt. I don't see why I should subject myself to the dictates of popular American culture. I really believe that if you are healthy, you are truly beautiful.

Later that night, when I was getting ready for bed, my husband said that I shouldn't have been rude about the gift. He said that it had seemed to him that I didn't appreciate the gift, when that wasn't the case at all! Then, to make matters worse, when I went back to the bookstore to return it and get the right book, who should I see in the sexuality section, holding a copy of "How to Satisfy Your Man" and making out with the sexy Latino man we always ogle from the treadmills but Bernadette? Needless to say, it was an awkward situation.

Now I don't know what to do. How can I let her know that I appreciated the thought of the gift even if it wasn't specifically what I wanted? How do I let her know that I thought her choice of Eat Right 4 Your Type books was rude without seeming ungrateful? Should I tell her husband about her affair? She'd complained a few days before about pain while urinating, I know you're an expert on that, could that be a sign of venereal disease? I have to know soon, I've managed to avoid confronting her so far but I just know I'm going to see her at the American Heart Association's Annual Labor Day Vegetarian Chili Cook-off. You're my only hope, Beth!

Signed,
Worried About Weight

Dear Worried About Weight,

Here's what you should do:

1. Write shorter letters.

2. Steal the Latino man from your friend and have a sweaty affair with him. This will both get back at your friend for giving you such an insulting gift and get back at your husband for accusing you of being rude.

3. If you don't like that idea, just buy her a book that's equally offensive, maybe some kind of reference on how to commit adultery. What better way to say thanks for a gift than with a gift?

4. Tell Bernie to call 1-800-DOCTOR for her urinary problems. If she finds out she has an STD, you must convince her to tell her husband about her Latin lover.


Write to beth@dorkist.com with your shameful secrets and anything else that's been tearing your pretty little head apart.