Dear Richard,

Buy the hotpants and go to Pegasus. Dance, damn it. Unleash your inner urges. You won't sacrifice your manliness by acknowledging these feelings. In fact, you'll be a more complete person, and therefore more manly.

Also, I used to play My Little Pony, too! The lavendar one with pink hair was my favorite.

Dear beth,

i read your advice about what color normal piss is, and well, sometimes mine is very yellow and foggy but it doesn't hurt when i take a piss. should i still be concerned? should i see a doctor, and if so what kind of doctor? do you think this could be affected by the smack? maybe i should start injecting it between my toes....

tell me what you think, problem piss.

Dear problem piss,

The smack might have an effect on your urine. I could have researched this, but that would have been kind of pathetic for me to do since I know you made your letter up. Anyway, if you do ever try smack, I don't see why injecting it between your toes would be worse than injecting it anywhere else.

As for your piss, I don't think you need to see a doctor if it doesn't hurt but is foggy. Just eat better and drink a lot. If you want to see a doctor just for fun, call 1-800-DOCTOR and ask them to find you a good one in your area specializing in drug users with urinary problems. I don't know if 1-800-DOCTOR is still around, but I remember there used to be a lot of commercials for it on TV.

Dear Beth,

I have a problem. My girlfriend is shall we say a lover of food. She loves to eat! She is happy only when she eats. When we have sex there is always food involved in some fashion. Her favorite foods are Rueben, Pastrami and Corned Beef sandwiches. Now, I have a problem ....I have never stepped foot in a kitchen or a deli for that matter. My life revolves around my work and my girlfriend. My question is this: How do make a decent sandwich? I fear that if I don't learn to cook my girlfriend will leave me and I will be left sexless and starving. Please Help!

hungry and desperate

Dear hungry and desperate,

You seem to have many other problems besides not knowing how to make a decent sandwich, but you didn't ask me about them, so...

Reuben Sandwich

Corn beef, boiled
Rye bread
Butter
Sauerkraut
Thousand island dressing
Swiss cheese

Slice and butter the bread. Place beef on the bread. Then place some well drained sauerkraut and thousand island dressing on it. Top with a slice or two of Swiss cheese and either broil or grill it.

Pastrami Sandwich

6 oz sliced pastrami
2 TB whole-grain mustard
4 oz beer
3 sl onion rings intact
1 TB oil
: Salt and pepper
2 sl rye bread or thick crusty
: brown bread

Preheat a grill. Season onions with salt and pepper and brush with oil. In a small saucepan combine beer and mustard and bring to a boil. Add pastrami and simmer for 3 minutes. Grill onions on both sides and toast bread on a cooler part of the grill. When all ingredients are heated, prepare sandwich.

Corned Beef Sandwich

1 Chicken Breast or other part -per sandwich
1 oz Sliced Swiss cheese per sand
1 oz Sliced Corn Beef per sand.
2 Slices rye bread per sand.
Seasoned salt to taste

All recipes from SOAR.