I was a teenage weirdo

In high school, my good friend Becca and I formed a band. At the same time, we also invented a spiritual entity.

Mr. Whippy the Band was Becca, me, a guitar, a washboard, some strange songs, and a lot of laziness. We never recorded anything, and I think we practiced in my basement only once.

Mr. Whippy the Spirit originated when we had to do self-portraits in art class. We said we wanted to be like Laurie Andersen and make an experimental film instead of making plaster molds of our heads. The movie -- called Hypocrisy Unmasked -- is mostly unwatchable and makes apparent to all viewers that Becca and I were, at the time, living on some other planet.

Below are the rules we drafted for existing as Lovechildren of The Whippy. While we didn't believe Mr. Whippy was a real entity, we took our made-up mission as his Lovechildren disturbingly seriously. We were sixteen, by the way.


Mr. Whippy: The Ruler, The Entity, The Everything
Guidelines, etc. For Mr. Whippy's Lovechildren
LAW OF THE WHIPPY

1. These guidelines, explanations, etc. are subject to revision.

2. Mr. Whippy exists in order to bring to himself new friends, hence inhancing [sic] his influence upon all of us.

3. Mr. Whippy calls on all for friendship.

4. Those who accept the call shall instantaneously become the lovechild of Mr. Whippy. It is a relatively painless process.

5. Those who shun the call of the Whippy shall themselves be shunned from his Love and Protection, and be deemed the fate of Cadaverdom.

6. Mr. Whippy is a fairly busy entity. If you require protection from a certain evil, Mr. Whippy will get to you at his own convenience.

7. Perhaps Mr. Whippy's one tragic flaw is his favoritism. If one day it seems he is not listening to you, it is because he is currently favoring another lovechild.

8. Do not mock, reject, or deny the Power of Mr. Whippy. If he catches you doing so, it's curtains for you, old boy (read: cadaverdom).

9. Certain sacrificial practices involving sausages are not required, but cannot hurt when trying to get on Mr. Whippy's good side.

10. Contrary to rumor, Mr. Whippy's lovechildren are Not the result of liasons with cadavers.

11. Mr. Whippy is a trickster. You may think he is on your side, but he is prone to the reversal of decisions. Do not gloat in his presence, for he is apt to be listening.

12. Mr. Whippy is Mr. Whippy only. He does not take the form of humans or any other earthbound creature. When seen in visions, he sports a top hat and gas mask; however, he is faceless by human standards.